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I was actually thinking about this earlier:
Age 1: LOLZ U CANT READ THIS! LErN 2 NOT SUCK, N00b!
Age 5: You are just as stupid for thinking there are alligators in the sewer as the kids who are afraid of monsters. You never even see an alligator outside of the zoo for another 9 years.
Age 6: It's way funnier to yell "Fart!" at this age than to attempt writing jokes to amuse your peers.
Age 7: Be nice to the girls, ALL OF THEM. Some of them are going to put out later and NONE of them will forget if you get them tagged with a nickname.
Age 8: The principal who paddles you every day also beats his wife. He's messing around with one of the PTA moms. Her husband will blow his brains out in front of her, use this to your advantage.
Age 9: It's Liz W, not Liz H who likes you. She won't always be goofy looking. Try not to pretend to play footsies with her while you write all over her new shoes with a marker you have placed in your shoelaces
Age 10: You don't realize it, but you are hitting puberty early. This is not an excuse to get in one millionty twelve fights. It's just testosterone flowing through your veins, you are not in fact invincible. Go to the library and look up something called "masturbation" all the cool kids will be doing it in a couple of years. Don't admit to it until you are 14. I'm not sure why, though.
Age 11: All of your albums suck except for G+R Appetite for destruction and REM Fables of the Reconstruction. Throw them away, especially Def Lepard. Start listening to the Stray Cats again, you'l probably always like rockabilly. I'm not telling you what bands from this era you discover later and like because listening to them at 11 will probably make you gay. Look into something called "NWA"
Age 12: Paul may not be the coolest guy in school, but stick by him. He ends up being your best friend 4 LIFE.
Age 13: You're not that different, you just feel that way because teenagers are douchebags. Everyone around you feels really insecure and that is what makes you "different". Exploit their lack of confidence whenever you can.
Age 14: You will get your first "real" job this summer. Make sure you put 500 dollars in something called "Best Buy" By the time you are 16 you should be able to afford a car based on this alone
Age 15: Cut your fucking hair. I know it isn't cool now, but it will be. Either way you don't have the hair or spend the time on your hair to have long hair.
Age 16: All of the "depression" you are going through is teen angst. You are a douchebag. Buy a car. Get off the damned farm. You'll be fine.
Age 17: Get your grades up, it turns out they aren't all full of shit.
Age 18: Your community college academic advisor is a moron, they all are.
Age 19: Lizards can't drink beer, Don't drop out of college. It would take you 5 years to get back and do it. Take all the money you are making waiting tables and put it in something called yahoo, sell it all at the beginning of 2000 and sell it short in august 2000.
Age 20: Hopefully by this point you have listened to at least one thing I told you, but even if you haven't and nothing has changed, don't even THINK about getting married or moving to Louisiana
after this you are on your own, just remember a few things:
Don't yourself or let anyone invest anything in anything that says "Screw you, NY on it" especially if the world trade towers are incorporated in the design. You'll find out why later. "Screw you NY" was your idea. You are an idiot.
The Ravens beat the Giants in 2001. If you bet your yahoo money from the beginning of the season it should be at pretty good odds. Use the winnings to buy something called google (not googol this is important) It's like yahoo, but not for fags. You should be OK on money for good on this. You may not be set up for life, but enough so that you don't want to sell your house to join the army. I know you hate the US Military industrial complex with all your "political" little heart, but something changes that. Support the troops, but don't be one.
